Ho-Ho-Humbug!

By Michael Brooks

Staff writer

It’s almost Christmas and you still haven’t done any shopping?  Well, YOU probably have, but this quote was directed at me. 

I hate procrastinating, but I also hate shopping, and Christmas shopping is even worse for me to handle. So, when Christmas rolls around and I find out that my Christmas present of a bag of Doritos, some Dawn soap, and stack of paper plates wasn’t exactly the right gift for my girlfriend, well there is nothing I can do about it until next Christmas...with a different girlfriend (possibly because of my Christmas present selection, but maybe not).

I have just never really been able to get into the holiday spirit. I remember one Christmas after putting up the tree, my mother asked me if I would decorate it for her. I told her that I really did not want to decorate the tree, but she insisted and seeing that she was going to have her way and knowing that I had to do it, I bundled up all the tinsel and lights into a giant basketball-shaped object and threw it into the center of the tree. Yes, it was basically just me throwing a tantrum, but hey, I was a kid. (This was either two or three years ago, I can’t remember). I was never asked to decorate the tree again.

Outdoor Christmas lights confuse me too. I used to live in one of those neighborhoods that wants everyone on the block to put up Christmas lights. Aside from the hassle of having to actually hang the lights, most of my neighbors put up big Nativity Scenes or had Santa and his deer. Why should I be like everyone else? 

I bought the Santa sleigh and reindeer set but that had already been done on my block. I had to be “original.” I was very proud of my creation, but the neighbors were not. I tore apart the reindeer and scattered the parts all over my lawn and placed the crashed sleigh against a tree. 

I am sure my “scene” was an allegory for something, but since I was working and was unable to attend the emergency neighborhood meeting about the “Unacceptable Christmas lighting” in the neighborhood, I can assume that my message (whatever it was) was not understood.

Amazingly, when I got home from work, my yard had been cleaned up and I was not required to participate in Christmas lighting the next year.

So now, I am guessing that you all are thinking that I am someone who needs the Christmas Carol treatment, and probably calling me Scrooge. But I am not against Christmas. I have no problem with the holiday. I just don’t enjoy the crowds, or the shopping, or the tree, or the lights...hmmm. Maybe I am against Christmas. Well, there are some Christmas movies I like. Does that count? I mean, everyone likes Die Hard, right? And isn’t that the perfect Christmas movie?

I guess now that I have taken the time to type this out, I should probably stop and go out and do some Christmas shopping. I am sure that my mom will love the package of napkins I plan on getting for her. I guess I should also go find a #2 pencil and a paper clip for that special someone in my life.